If you would like to improve your English, this page, which contains the best jokes, anecdotes and funny stories, is perfect for you!
Clean Jokes
A collection of funny jokes you can tell to your co-workers and kids without getting in trouble
Anger vs. Exasperation
A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked, «Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?»
The father replied, «It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean.»
With that, the father went to the telephone an dialed a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said, «Hello, is Melvin there?»
The man answered, «There is no one living here named Melvin. Why don’t you learn to look up numbers before you dial them?»
«See,» said the father to his daughter. «That man was not a bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with something, and we annoyed him. Now watch . . .»
The father dialed the same number again. «Hello, is Melvin there?» asked the father.
«Now look here!» came the heated reply. «You just called this number, and I told you that there is no Melvin here! You’ve got a lot of nerve calling again!» The receiver was slammed down hard.
The father turned to his daughter and said, «You see, that was anger. Now I’ll show you what exasperation means.»
He dialed the same number, and a violent voice roared, «HELLO!»
The father calmly said, «Hello, this is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?»
Problem Child
The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist, «You are far too upset and worried about your son. I suggest you take tranquillisers regularly.»
On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, «Have the tranquillisers calmed you down?»
«Yes» the mother answered.
«And how is your son now?» he asked.
«Who cares?» she replied.
Kiss The Mirror
A middle school for girls was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirrors leaving dozens of little lip prints. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called several of the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day. To demonstrate how much work they were making for the custodian, she asked him to clean one of the mirrors while the girls watched. The custodian took a long-handled brush, dipped it into the nearest toilet, and proceeded to scrub the mirror. From that day on, the problem of lip prints on the mirrors was completely eliminated.Good Business Sense
Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown NY City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer was quite taken aback, and requested collateral. «Well, then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce», the man said. The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank’s underground parking for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000. Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank’s doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. The loan officer checked the records and told him, «That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest.» The man wrote out a check, thanked the loan officer, and started to walk away.
«Wait sir,» the loan officer said, «while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow?» The man smiled. «Where else could I securely park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?»
Family
A child asked his father, «How were people born?» So his father said, «Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.» The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, «We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.» The child ran back to his father and said, «You lied to me!» His father replied, «No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.»
Apples
In a Catholic school cafeteria, a nun places a note in front of a pile of apples, «Only take one. God is watching.» Further down the line is a pile of cookies. A little boy makes his own note, «Take all you want. God is watching the apples.»
George
This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.
He immediately phoned the police, who asked, «Is someone in your house?» and George said, «No,» and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.
George said, «Okay,» hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
«Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I’ve just shot them all.»
Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the policemen said to George, «I thought you said that you’d shot them!»
George said, «I thought you said there was nobody available!»
Ice cream
There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor. The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don’t forget. They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. «You might want to write it down,» she said. The husband said, «No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream.» She then told her husband she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream. «Write it down,» she told him, and again he said, «No, no, I can remember: you want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream.» Then the old lady said she wants a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top. «Write it down,» she told her husband and again he said, «No, I got it. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top.» So he goes to get the ice cream and spends an unusually long time in the kitchen, over 30 minutes. He comes out to his wife and hands her a plate of eggs and bacon. The old wife stares at the plate for a moment, then looks at her husband and asks, «Where’s the toast?»
Monkey
A boy with a monkey on his shoulder was walking down the road when he passed a policeman who said, «Now, now young lad, I think you had better take that monkey to the zoo.» The next day, the boy was walking down the road with the monkey on his shoulder again, when he passed the same policeman. The policeman said, «Hey there, I thought I told you to take that money to the zoo!» The boy answered, «I did! Today I’m taking him to the cinema.»
Talking Dog
A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in. “So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog. “I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.” The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?” The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”
Короткие поучительные истории на английском языке (Short Funny Stories in English)
University
A lady in a faded gingham dress and her husband,dressed in a homespun threadbare suit, stepped off the train in Boston, and walked timidly without an appointment into the president of Harvard’s outer office. The secretary could tell in a moment that such backwoods, country hicks had no business at Harvard and probably didn’t even deserve to be in Cambridge.
She frowned. «We want to see the president,» the man said softly. «He’ll be busy all day,» the secretary snapped. «We’ll wait,» the lady replied. For hours, the secretary ignored them, hoping that the couple would finally become discouraged and go away.
They didn’t. And the secretary grew frustrated and finally decided to disturb the president, even though it was a chore she always regretted to do. «Maybe if they just see you for a few minutes, they’ll leave,» she told him.
And he sighed in exasperation and nodded. Someone of his importance obviously didn’t have the time to spend with them, but he detested gingham dresses and homespun suits cluttering up his outer office. The president, stern-faced with dignity, strutted toward the couple. The lady told him, «We had a son that attended Harvard for one year. He loved Harvard. He was happy here. But about a year ago, he was accidentally killed. And my husband and I would like to erect a memorial to him, somewhere on campus.»
The president wasn’t touched, he was shocked. «Madam,» he said gruffly. «We can’t put up a statue for every person who attended Harvard and died. If we did, this place would look like a cemetery». «Oh, no,» the lady explained quickly. «We don’t want to erect a statue.
We thought we would like to give a building to Harvard.» The president rolled his eyes. He glanced at the gingham dress and homespun suit, then exclaimed, «A building! Do you have any earthly idea how much a building costs? We have over seven and a half million dollars in the physical plant at Harvard.» For a moment the lady was silent. The president was pleased. He could get rid of them now. And the lady turned to her husband and said quietly, «Is that all it costs to start a University? Why don’t we just start our own?» Her husband nodded. The president’s face wilted in confusion and bewilderment. And Mr. and Mrs. Leland Stanford walked away, traveling to Palo Alto, California where they established the University that bears their name, a memorial to a son that Harvard no longer cared about.
«You can easily judge the character of others by how they treat those who can do nothing for them or to them.» Malcolm Forbes
Criminal Lawyers Award
A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost «in a series of small fires.» The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
The lawyer sued…and won!
In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire, and was obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the «fires.»
After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
This is a true story and was the 1st place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.
Great Moments in Physics
The following concerns a question in a physics degree exam at the University of Copenhagen. «Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper with a barometer.»
One student replied:
«You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of the skyscraper to the ground. The length of the string plus the length of the barometer will equal the height of the building.»
This highly original answer so incensed the examiner that the student was failed. The student appealed on the grounds that his answer was indisputably correct, and the university appointed an independent arbiter to decide the case. The arbiter judged that the answer was indeed correct, but did the problem it was decided to call the student in and allow him six minutes in which to provide a verbal answer which showed at least a minimal familiarity with the basic principles of physics.
For five minutes the student sat in silence, forehead creased in thought. The arbiter reminded him that time was running out, to which the student replied that he had several extremely relevant answers, but couldn’t make up his mind which to use.
On being advised to hurry up the student replied as follows:
«Firstly, you could take the barometer up to the roof of the skyscraper, drop it over the edge, and measure the time it takes to reach the ground. The height of the building can then be worked out from the formula H = 0.5g x t squared. But bad luck on the barometer.»
«Or if the sun is shining you could measure the height of the barometer, then set it on end and measure the length of its shadow. Then you measure the length of the skyscraper’s shadow, and thereafter it is a simple matter of proportional arithmetic to work out the height of the skyscraper.»
«But if you wanted to be highly scientific about it, you could tie a short piece of string to the barometer and swing it like a pendulum, first at ground level and then on the roof of the skyscraper. The height is worked out by the difference in the gravitational restoring force T = 2 pi sqroot (l / g).»
«Or if the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase, it would be easier to walk up it and mark off the height of the skyscraper in barometer lengths, then add them up.»
«If you merely wanted to be boring and orthodox about it, of course, you could use the barometer to measure the air pressure on the roof of the skyscraper and on the ground, and convert the difference in millibars into feet to give the height of the building.»
«But since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise independence of mind and apply scientific methods, undoubtedly the best way would be to knock on the janitor’s door and say to him ‘If you would like a nice new barometer, I will give you this one if you tell me the height of this skyscraper’.»
The student was Niels Bohr, the only person from Denmark to win the Nobel prize for Physics.
A Man and His Dog
A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that his faithful dog had been dead for many years. He wondered where the road was leading them. After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. As he reached the wall, he saw a magnificent gate in the arch, and the street that led to the gate made from pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.
When he was close enough, he called out, «Excuse me, where are we?»
«This is heaven, sir,» the man answered.
«Wow! Would you happen to have some water? We have traveled far,» the man said.
«Of course, sir. Come right in, and I’ll have some ice water brought right up.»
The man gestured, and the gate began to open.
«Can my friend,» gesturing toward his dog, «come in, too?» the traveler asked.
«I’m sorry, sir, but we don’t accept pets.»
The man thought a moment, remembering all the years this dog remained loyal to him and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going. After another long walk he came to a plain dirt road, which led through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.
«Excuse me!» he called to the reader. «Do you have any water? We have traveled far.»
«Yes, sure, there’s a faucet over there.» The man pointed to a place that couldn’t be seen from outside the gate. «Come on in and help yourself.»
«How about my friend here?» the traveler gestured to his dog.
«There should be a bowl by the faucet; he is welcome to share.»
They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned faucet with a bowl beside it. The traveler filled the bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog. When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree waiting for them.
«What do you call this place?» the traveler asked.
«This is heaven,» was the answer.
«Well, that’s confusing,» the traveler said. «The man down the road said that was heaven, too.»
«Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That’s hell.»
«Doesn’t it make you mad for them to use your name like that?»
«No. We’re just happy that they screen out the folks who’d leave their best friends behind in exchange for material things.»
Poor people
A wealthy family man took his son on a trip to the country, so he could have his son see how poor country people live.
They stayed one day and one night in the home of a very humble farmer. At the end of the trip, and when they were back home, the father asked his son, «What did you think of the trip?»
The son replied, «Very nice dad.»
Then the father asked his son, «Did you notice how poor they were?»
The son replied, «Yes.»
The father continued asking, «What did you learn?»
The son responded, «I learned that we have one dog in our house, and they have four.
Also, we have a fountain in our garden, but they have a stream that has no end.
And we have imported lamps in our garden . . . where they have the stars!
And our garden goes to the edge of our property. But they have the entire horizon as their back yard!»
At the end of the son’s reply the father was speechless.
His son then said, «Thank you dad for showing me how poor we really are.»
Brownies
Many parents are hard pressed to explain to their youth why some music, movies, books, and magazines are not acceptable material for them to bring into the home or to listen to or see.
One parent came up with an original idea that is hard to refute. The father listened to all the reasons his children gave for wanting to see a particular «R» Rated movie. It had their favorite actors. Everyone else was seeing it. Even church members said it was great. It was only rated «R» because of the suggestion of sex…they never really showed it. The language was pretty good…the Lord’s name was only used in vain three times in the whole movie. The teens did admit there was a scene where a building and a bunch of people were blown up, but the violence was just the normal stuff. It wasn’t too bad.
Even if there were a few minor things, the special effects were fabulous and the plot was action packed. However, even with all the justifications the teens made for the «R» rating, the father still wouldn’t give in. He didn’t even give his children a satisfactory explanation for saying, «No.» He just said, «No!»
A little later on that evening the father asked his teens if they would like some brownies he had baked. He explained that he’d taken the family’s favorite recipe and added a little something new. The children asked what it was. The father calmly replied that he had added dog poop.
However, he quickly assured them, it was only a little bit. All other ingredients were gourmet quality and he had taken great care to bake the brownies at the precise temperature for the exact time. He was sure the brownies would be superb.
Even with their father’s promise that the brownies were of almost perfect quality, the teens would not take any. The father acted surprised. After all, it was only one small part that was causing them to be so stubborn. He was certain they would hardly notice it. Still the teens held firm and would not try the brownies.
The father then told his children how the movie they wanted to see was just like the brownies. Our minds are tricking us into believing that just a little bit of evil won’t matter. But, the truth is even a little bit of poop makes the difference between a great treat and something disgusting and totally unacceptable. The father went on to explain that even though the movie industry would have us believe that most of today’s movies are acceptable fare for adults and youth, they are not.
Now when this father’s children want to do something or see something they should not, the father merely asks them if they would like some of his special brownies . . . and they never ask about that activity again.
Police Patrol
From the state where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this absolutely true story. Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Fort Worth, Texas. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his truck and trailer and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally, he got into the car and started the engine, switched the wipers on and off….it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons’ vehicles left. Finally, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road. The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, ‘I’ll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.’ ‘I seriously doubt it’, said the truly proud Hillbilly. ‘Tonight I’m the designated decoy.’
Best Jokes in English
Анекдоты, шутки и смешные истории на английском языке — коллекция лучшего британского и американского юмора (Best Jokes and funny stories in English).
Duck
A duck walks into a feed store and asks, «Got any duck feed?»
The clerk tells him, «No, we don’t have a market for it so we don’t carry it.»
The duck says, «Okay,» and leaves.
The next day, the duck again walks in to the feed store and asks, «Got any duck feed?»
Again the clerk says no and the duck leaves.
Next day, the duck once again walks in, and asks, «Got any duck feed?»
The clerk says, «I’ve told you twice, we don’t have duck feed, we’ve never had duck feed and we never will have duck feed. If you ask me again, I’ll nail your feet to the floor.» The duck leaves.
The next day, the duck walks in and asks, «Got any nails?»
«No.»
«Got any duck feed?»
Chemist’s Bad Day
Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, «It’s the druggist — he insulted me terribly this morning on the phone.» Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, «Now, just a minute — listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I’ll be damned if I didn’t lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off. Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels — the phone is still ringing — when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it, and half of them hit the floor and broke. The phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife — she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. Well, Mister, I TOLD HER!»
Flying First Class
On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to coach since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied, «I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to New York, and I’m not moving.» Not wanting to argue with a customer the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, «I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to New York, and I’m not moving.» The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, «I’m married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this.» He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde’s ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself, «Why didn’t anyone just say so.» Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. The pilot replied, «I told her the first class section wasn’t going to New York.»
Wife
Old farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed. With a low voice he sad to his wife: «When I’m dead I want you to marry farmer Jones.»
Wife: «No, I can’t marry anyone after you.»
Johnson: «But I want you to.»
Wife: «But why?»
Johnson: «Jones once cheated me in a hourse deal»
Potatoes
Newlywed wife to her husband:
«That is why I can’t stand you — you are so unpredictable. On Monday you liked the potatoes, Tuesday you liked the potatoes, Wednesday you liked the potatoes, Thursday you said you loved the potatoes preparation, Friday you liked the potatoes, Saturday you liked the potatoes and now all of a sudden on Sunday you say that you don’t like potatoes.»
Doctor
The patient shook his doctor’s hand in gratitude and said, «Since we are the best of friends, I would not insult you by offering payment. But I would like you to know that I have mentioned you in my will.»
«That is ver kind of you,» said the doctor emotionally, and then added, «Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I’d like to make a little change…»
Plain English
The man told his doctor that he wasn’t able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, «Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me.»
«Well, in plain English,» the doctor replied, «you’re just lazy.»
«Okay,» said the man «Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.»
Drinking
As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said, «I can’t find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it’s due to drinking.»
«In that case,» said the patient, «I’ll come back when you’re sober.»
Drummer
A drummer, sick of all the drummer jokes, decides to change his instrument. After some thought, he decides on the accordion. So he goes to the music store and says to the owner, «I’d like to look at the accordions, please.» The owner gestures to a shelf in the courner and says, «All our accordions are over there.» After browsing, the drummer says, «I think I’d like the big red one in the corner.» The store owner looks at him and says, «You’re a drummer, aren’t you?» The drummer, crestfallen, says, «How did you know?» The store owner says, «That ‘big red accordion’ is the radiator.»
Still nothing
A guy walks into the doctor’s office and says, «Doc, I haven’t had a bowel movement in a week!» The doctor gives him a prescription for a mild laxative and tells him, «If it doesn’t work, let me know.»
A week later the guy is back: «Doc, still no movement!»
The doctor says, «Hmm, guess you need something stronger,» and prescribes a powerful laxative.
Still another week later the poor guy is back: «Doc, STILL nothing!»
The doctor, worried, says, «We’d better get some more information about you to try to figure out what’s going on. What do you do for a living?»
«I’m a musician.»
The doctor looks up and says, «Well, that’s it! Here’s $10.00. Go get something to eat!»
Cello
A young woman is taking cello lessons. She’s not all that good and during a particularly lamentable practice session, her teacher can’t stand it any more and says, «Lady, you’ve got between your legs an instrument that, if adequately caressed, could give boundless pleasure to you and thousands of other people; and the only thing you seem to be able to do is to scratch and scratch it!»
Tuxedo
An eccentric lady was in need of a piano player for her upcoming party. She placed ads and spread the word but could not find a suitable one. A bum knocked on her door and when she saw the state of his condition, she answered, «Go away.» He said, «Please, won’t you just give me a chance, I’m a piano player.» She was desperate so she let him in. After his performance, she couldn’t believe her ears. «Wow! That sounded great, best I’ve heard in years. What was the name of that song?» The bum answered, «Oh, it’s ‘I Love Me Wife So Much I Took A Big Dump’.» «Oh» she says, «How unusual, would you play another?» He proceeded to play another tune and again she was astounded by the performance. «That was fantastic» she said, «What was the name of that tune?» «That one is called ‘I Took My Wife From Behind And Made A Mess All Over That Carpet’.» «How unusual» she replied and said, «You’ve got the job, but please do me a favor and if anyone asks the names of your songs, please don’t tell them. And do something about your clothes; you look terrible. Go and buy a tux for the party.» The bum was happy about his new job and had never bought a tux before and wound up getting one that was three sizes too small. At the big party, the crowd was amazed at his performance once again. He bowed at the crowd back and forth and ripped out the whole rear end of his trousers. One lady stepped forward clapping and said, «Sir, you are a great piano player but do you know you have a hairy ass and your balls are hanging out?» With a smile, the bum replied, «Lady, know it? I wrote it!»
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